


Aftershocks

by Tabbykat



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: F/M, Fade Sex, Fereldans, Gen, Homecoming, Implied Sexual Content, Justice, Love, Love Confessions, Multi, Nudity, On the Run, Pregnancy, Surprise Fenris, Unplanned Pregnancy, Unrequited Love, it's complicated - Freeform, vengeance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-19 19:00:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15516435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tabbykat/pseuds/Tabbykat
Summary: Hawke and her lover Fenris after the events of Dragon Age II and before Inqusition





	1. Welcome Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke and Fenris return to Fereldan on the hunt for a runaway

“Why are we here again?” growled Fenris, pushing through the tall grass of the Kokari Wilds.  “I like to think our history speaks for itself when it comes to apostate mages.”

I sighed and looked back at him. “I can’t just let him get away with what he did in Kirkwall Fenris, especially when he made me his unwitting accomplice.”

Fenris is an elf, an escaped Tevinter slave, and my lover.  Tall for his race and lean, he is a brilliant warrior, the two handed Tevinter Blade of Mercy on his back being for more than just show.  Branded with Lyrium runes by his mage master, these brands covered his face and body like tattoos, giving him a permanent “I’ll kill you” appearance.

Fenris had lived a hard life before finally escaping his ruthless master and joining my band at Kirkwall.  He had lost his family and his past, but thankfully we were able to get some of it back for him.  His unwavering hatred towards all mages causes us to clash more often than not, and magic in general is a touchy subject for him.  But despite his fierce appearance and demeanor Fenris is a good and honorable man.

Besides, I like fixing broken things.

A yip off to our left drew our attention and we saw my Mabari hound Áedán rolling in a patch of dirt, happy to be back on Fereldan soil.

Fenris looked back at me, his shaggy white hair falling into smoldering blue eyes as he glared at me.  “You already let him get away with it, or did you forget that part Tanis?”

I stopped and faced him.  Scowling I braced my hands on my hips, my violet eyes flaring right back at him.

Me, I’m not your typical Fereldan.  Fenris almost matched me in height (I was a touch shorter much to my chagrin), and years of working for smugglers in Kirkwall had made me supple and sinewy when I was already slender to begin with.  But the big thing the screamed ‘freak’ was my hair and eyes.  Fair complexion, violet eyes, and white hair.  Yeah.  Figure that one out.

I blame it on my father personally.  Magic in the blood you know.  He and my sister were mages, both apostates from the circle.  Hence magic and mages being a touchy subject.  I think something went funky when I was conceived and instead of being magically talented I was tainted for lack of a better word.

But it’s all good.  I play it up with interesting colors when I have the opportunity to wear makeup.

“Just because he’s a fanatical murdering bastard doesn’t mean I was about to cut off my nose to spite my face.  His spells and healing came in handy fighting Meredith, or do you forget that he came pretty damned close to saving your life that night?”

His scowl deepened if that was at all possible as he stepped closer to me.  “If you hadn’t let your past with him blind you those people would be alive still.”

That was a low blow, and he knew it as he watch me deflate.  His eyes softened and he made to reach for me, but stopped himself. We’re still working that.

It was true though.  A thought I had brought back onto myself time and time again.

I had once entertained the thought of having a future with Anders, the mage we were seeking, when we first met.  He was funny, charming, and an apostate trying to make the world a better place for mages.  But as the Templars in Kirkwall pressed down harder on the local mages to control them, so too did Anders push the boundaries of what I felt was acceptable measures for making changes.

I know mages.  I came from a family of them and are not adverse to their plight, being locked away for most of their lives separated from society and their family, being told they were monsters just for what they were born with.  I get it, I do.  Not fair.

But I also agree with the Circle.  Mages need proper training to keep from being demon fodder.  And like all people there are good mages and bad mages, so I also agree with the Templars having a hand in the circle to help battle those mages that go rogue.  I just think the Circles should be places of sanctuary and learning for mages, not prisons.

And because I sympathized with him, I wanted to help.  But the further he went along his path, the more I realized that his revolution would be the only love in his life, and I didn’t want that.  I helped him get into the Chantry that night, my last good deed for him before I left him and all those people -good people- died.

“I’m…I’m sorry,” Fenris whispered.  “That was uncalled for.”

I shook my head, and smiled softly at him.

“No, you’re right in your way.  But we’ve talked about that enough, I’m tired of it and I’d like to drop it now.  Or do you want me to keep bringing up how you walked away from us after our first night?’

At least he had the decency to blush at that.  “Agreed,” he said with a decisive nod.  Then he stepped forward and hesitantly, gently, held me in his arms.  Sometimes he was still so unsure about himself, about us.

“But can I still tell you what I fool I was for that on occasion?”

I chuckled and looked up at him, my arms wrapping around his waist.  “I’ll never tire of _that_.”

Fenris smiled at me and his faced transformed from something scary to something…more.  Fierce, protective, proud.  And my eyes were filled with his face before I closed them as our lips met.

We stood like that for a few minutes, enjoying the quiet of the woods we found ourselves in before I reluctantly pulled away and made to continue on.

“As much as I would love for you to ravish me on the forest floor, I really don’t feel like having twigs poke me in my special places and we’ll never find him if we stop now.”

Fenris laughed as he moved to catch up with me and I whistled for Áedán who had disappeared into the brush.  I liked his laugh.

“C’mon lover boy,” I said, hitching my backpack further up onto my shoulder.  “Let’s find us an apostate.”


	2. A Night by the Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris and Hawke make camp while searching for an apostate

Fenris and I spent the rest of the day walking, not talking much since he’s the strong silent type and all.

It felt strange for me to be back in Fereldan.  I was born in a town called Lothering that was destroyed at the beginning of the Fifth Blight over ten years ago.  I had fled with my mother Leandra, my bother Carver, and sister Bethany.  We tried to make it across Fereldan to Kirkwall in the Free Marches, but Carver was felled by an ogre just outside Lothering.  Mother never was the same after that.  I think she always blamed me a bit for it.  Like I’m an arch demon and can control things like that…

Then of course my sister was found out to be an apostate and taken to the circle against her will and my mother was kidnapped and killed by a crazed blood mage necromancer using body parts of various women to bring back his dead wife.  Hence why my family reunions tend to be a bit small now.

I had never been to the Kokari Wilds before, but it just _felt_ familiar.  The air smelled the same here, the ground beneath my feet had that same feeling of soft firmness, and Áedán was chasing the squirrels like we had never left and spent almost ten years in a walled-in city where he didn’t have half as much room or freedom to frolic as he does here.

I let my eyes take in the scenery as our long strides ate up the ground.

“Where is he supposed to be hiding again?” Fenris asked from my side, swatting at something winged and bloodsucking that had gotten too close.

“The rumors say he’s set up at the ruins of an old Grey Warden tower outside of Ostagar.”  I eyed the shadows on the ground.  They were getting pretty long in the tooth.

“We’re close, but we’re not going to make it before night fall,” I scanned the landscape.  “We should make camp for the night and start again in the morning.  We should be there before next nightfall.”  Turning to Fenris I handed him my backpack.  “I’ll go hunting with Áedán if you want to find a place to set up shop.”

Fenris took my bag from me, nodded and peeled off  looking for a suitable campsite.  I whistled for Áedán and he came bounding up to me, butt wriggling like it was on fire.  I knelt down in the grass next to him and rubbed him behind his ears.

“Do you like being back home boy?” I asked and got a sloppy kiss in return.  Áedán is a Mabari war hound, a breed highly valued in Fereldan as they were a mark of nobility, and were much sought after world wide as they were also remarkably intelligent.  I swear my damned dog is smart enough to play dumb when it suites him.

I wrestled with Áedán for a minute before I got down to business. “We’re a bit low on meat boy, think you can scare something up?”  I took the happy bark and renewed butt wriggling before he bounded off as a resounding yes.

I adjusted my daggers and hand axes, making sure all was where it should be before I followed him into the brush.

***

While Tanis hunted with Áedán I set up the camp.  It didn’t take me long now, one more thing I was thankful to her for.

Years ago when I finally escaped my now-dead-master, I am ashamed to admit that I was helpless.  I had been ruled, controlled, had every minute of every day either planned or watched.  And despite how much I wanted and yearned for my freedom, at first I was scared as well.  But my master trained me well in battle, so I survived.  But then the slave hunters started coming for me.

As skilled as my master had made me, I knew I couldn’t take them on my own.  So when my travels led me to Kirkwall, I decided to make a stand and enlist some aide from the seedier side of the population and there my path crossed with Tanis Hawke, before she became Champion of Kirkwall.

I was impressed by her from the first.  She took care of the Tevinter slavers following me like she was swatting a fly, and without hesitation stood by me as I went to face my master and the demons he had summoned to defend himself.  Most people would have cast me off after that, but Tanis never turned me away.  Needless to say I was surprised.

I did not approve of her mage companions, or how easily she turned to magic.  I didn’t know at the time that both her father and sister were mages, so both remain …sensitive subjects between us.

But I couldn’t just walk away from her.  She is the first person to stand up for me and with me without any expectation of repayment.  Witty, charming, beautiful, and a skilled warrior she intrigued me so I had to stay.  And as our years in Kirkwall rolled by, she showed herself to be kind and understanding as well.

Tanis defended me from Tevinter slavers, helped me kill my former master and his apprentice, encouraged me to find my family and my past, she taught me to read…to love…and took me back after I left her.  Is it any wonder I fell in love with her?

I never thought I had a chance at first, I saw the looks she was giving that damned apostate Anders in the beginning.  I was so sure they would be the ones to end up together and now I worry what their past might do to her when we find him.

Or more accurately what I might do to him.

A rustling beyond the firelight made me look up, hand reaching for my sword before the image of Tanis and Áedán registered.  Tanis carried a brace of rabbits in one hand, dirt was smudged on her cheek, and a smile on her face lit up her violet eyes.  Áedán looked equally pleased with himself, acting like he has taken down a dragon on his own rather than a few over sized rodents.

“Found us some dinner!” she exclaimed as she knelt by me in front of the fire and started skinning the rabbits.  Áedán whined and looked sadly at his mistress. “Oh fine you glutton,” she sighed, tossing him one.

Áedán snapped it out of mid air and trotted off to the other side of the fire where he noisily started snacking on his meal.

“He wolfs down two of them on the run and wants a third,” Tanis said to me without looking up. “He’s as big as an ox but you’d think I never fed him with the way he eats!”

Making quick work of the two remaining hares, she spitted them and set them over the fire.  The night was still early, the sun having set not too long ago so the sky was a deep blue of dusk rather than the black of night.  The firelight glinted off her weapons and armor, turning her white hair -a match to mine- luminescent.  Looking over at me, reclining against a convenient rock with my arm over me knee, her brow creased in puzzlement.

“I know you like to play things close to the chest Fenris, but you’re acting like you did when we first met.  All quiet and broody.  What’s wrong?”

I scrubbed my face with my hand, organizing my thoughts before leaning forward.

“I’m worried about you Tani,” I said, calling her a nickname she insisted I give her.  _Hawke’s too formal and Tanis is too boring_ , she had said one night after we had made love.  _I’d like it if you called me Tani_.  Turns out it was something her sister called her when they were children.

She looked into the fire, avoiding my gaze.  “I’m fine,” she said.  But the stubborn, tense set of her jaw told me otherwise.  I knew she was worried about finding Anders, and I knew she wouldn’t turn aside.  She needed answers.

“I know you’re not okay Tani, you won’t be until you find him.  I don’t know what to say to make this better, I’m not even sure there’s anything I could say.  But I do know one thing.”

She had finally turned away from the fire and was watching me.

“You can’t kill him.”

Her eyes widened at my words.  I don’t think she had ever let herself admit it, but after living with it so long myself, I can recognize it in others.  As much as she wanted answers, she wanted vengeance more.  And I knew I couldn’t let her do it.

“You thought you loved him,” I explained, ignoring the ache in my heart at those words. “He deceived you.  He killed so many people in the name of his…whatever he thought it was.” I waved my hand like it didn’t matter, then looked her in the eyes.

“You’re not like him.  He was you’re friend, your comrade, he would have been your lover instead of me.  And I know it would kill a part of you if you do.  A part that-” I faltered as I looked away from her briefly.

“I part of you that I don’t want you to lose,” I finished.  There were tears in her eyes when I looked back, and I forged ahead.  “When we find him, ask what you will.  Get the answers you not only need, but deserve.  But if you decide he deserves to die for what he’s done, let me do it.”

Tanis was silent, tears glistening in her eyes before she wiped them away.  “I think I liked you better when you were dark and broody,” she said with a half smile and a sniff.  “Not all sweet and sentimental.”

I smiled back at her, reached over and stroked her cheek.  “You taught me too well.”

Then quicker than she could register, I grabbed the front of her leather armor.  Eyes widening in shock, she let out a squawk of surprise as I pulled her across my body and rolled her under me.  Bracing myself on my arms above her I grinned down at her.

“Now let me show you what else you’ve taught me,” I whispered in her ear as I ground my hips against hers.  A thrill went through me as she wrapped herself around me and I heard her throaty laugh in my ear.


	3. For What We Could Have Been

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anders is found...and dealt with

I woke up just past the dawn, stretching muscles pleasantly sore from our excursions the previous night.  Looking across the fire I saw Fenris packing up our bags, the only thing left were the blankets I was lying on.

I lay there for a few moments watching him.  His movements were so swift and sure, one of the things I loved most about him was his quiet confidence that has slowly built up over the years.

The fact that he was hot as hell didn’t hurt things either.

I remember when we first met there was so much anger and bitterness in him; he wasn’t so much confidant as aggressive, facing everything with a sword in hand.

I like to think it was all me, but it wasn’t.  I helped a lot by breaking all of his expectations, but I don’t think Fenris would be the man he his today if he didn’t want it on some level.

Fenris finally felt my gaze on him and looked up.  “Good morning,” he said. “I would have woken you but you looked so peaceful.”

Rolling onto my side and propping my head up on my hand and smiled at him.  “Still sweet and sentimental I see.”

Picking up a small rabbit bone leftover from last night’s dinner, he tossed it at me and it bounced off my forehead.

“Oi!”I cried, picking the bone up and tossing it back.  He caught it in mid air and grinned back at me.

I loved the easy familiarity we had achieved over the years, the way we could laugh and play together despite our pasts.  At least when we were alone.  When we were around people he switched back to the old Fenris; aggressive, sharp, dark and broody.  It was an old habit to protect himself I think, one hard to break.  Not that I can blame him for it.  Everyone does it on some level.  I’m just glad he felt that he could be himself around me.

Ten years ago I never would have thought that we would be here.  It’s been a long road for us, but I’m glad we made it together.

I finally sat up, the blanket falling away from me and I caught the look in Fenris’ eyes when he saw me.

“I know that look,” I said as I stood up and started getting dressed.  “And while I would love to indulge you if we don’t leave now we’ll never get there by nightfall.”

“Are you ready for this?” he asked as I strapped my daggers to my waist.

“I’m as ready as anyone is when they’re facing down a horde of darkspawn,” I answered dryly.

He passed my pack and I slung it over my shoulder.  “You’ll let me do the talking when we get there right?” I asked.

Fenris nodded.  “I have nothing to say that would help matters anyway.”

I kissed his cheek.  “Thank you, love.”  I scanned the landscape.  “Now where’s that mutt of mine gotten to?”

****

It was a just before sunset when we spotted the ruins on the top of a hill.  Fenris and I had been walking since after breakfast.  My gut clenched in fear and anticipation.  Soon I would come face to face with the man who was my friend, my comrade, my betrayer, and if things had turned out differently, my lover too.  Hopefully I would get the answers I was looking for, hopefully I could walk away from this without blood being spilled, but one way or another before the sun set this would be over.

Fenris saw my trepidation and squeezed my shoulder briefly.  I looked at him and smiled, but his wall was coming up already.  He was bringing back all he once was when we first met to stand beside me when I faced Anders.

I felt something cold and damp on my hand, and looked down to see Áedán looking up at me with worried eyes.  “It’ll be alright boy,” I whispered.  “You got my back right?”  Áedán huffed and nuzzled my hand again.

I turned from them both and walked towards the ruins.

All that was left of the once mighty tower was a ring stones from the first floor, no more than the height of three men at its tallest point on the far side of the circle.  The sad remains of windows gaped in the growing dusk, no sign of life coming from within.  I approached it warily, watching for any movement.  I stepped up to the gap in the circle that was a door once upon a time, and looked inside.  Aside from a pile of blankets and packs along one side, the ruins were empty save for a cold fire pit in the centre.

I turned to Fenris.  “Looks like he’s out for the night.  We’ll have to wait here until he comes back.”

“You won’t have to wait for long,” The familiar voice came from behind us.  We whirled to face the speaker and saw him step out from behind an ancient oak tree.

Marked as a mage by his robes, I could see Anders hasn’t changed in the two years since we parted.  He still wore

his strawberry blonde hair shoulder length and tied back from his face with a leather thong.  He wore the same black robes, and carried his staff -a staff I had given him- on his back.  He looked tired and sad, but determined.

“I knew you would come for me one day,” he said as he walked towards us.  His eyes darted between the three of us and I could see his hands twitch ever so slightly, reading himself should he need to go on the defensive.  But the three of us stood still and let him come to us.

Anders stopped a few yards away, and waited.

“Glad to you you’ve added fortune telling to your repertoire Anders,” I said.

Anders smiled at me, but it was harder than I remembered.

“I said I knew you would come for me, but I never said I knew why.  You spared my life…Hawke,” I noted the pause before he said my name.  I think he was as nervous as I was. “You let me go.  I knew I would see you again but I never thought….” his voice trailed off as his eyes moved to Fenris.

“You arrogant-” Fenris growled, tensing to move forward. I put out my hand to stop him.  He looked at me, eyes flashing blue fire, but subsided.  I turned back to Anders.

“Why did you come back Hawke?” Anders asked me.

“I let you live because despite what you did I needed you alive to fight,” I answered coldly.  “I let you leave because I wasn’t sure if I should kill you or not.”

“And now you’re here to make that decision,” he said flatly.  I nodded.

“You said you were willing to die, let me kill you if that was what I thought was best,” I started.  “Do you still stand by that?”

Anders nodded.  “I know what I did was wrong, but I felt it needed to be done.  And I will still gladly die for what I did, because look at what has happened!” He gestured around the empty, darkening landscape.

“The mages have rebelled against the Circle!  Templars have rebelled against the Chantry!  Finally, mages are on their way to freedom-”

“But at what cost?” I cried at him.  “You blew up the Kirkwall Chantry to start this!  You killed hundreds of innocent people with that explosion, and how many more have died in the battles since then?  Battles that could have been avoided if you hadn’t walked over the ledge!”

Anders snorted and stalked angrily a few paces away from us.  “I knew you wouldn’t understand,” he said.  “Despite your sympathy to our plight you never understood.  You left me, when I thought I had finally found someone who accepted me despite what I am, for him!”

Anders gestured angrily a Fenris, and I stared at him incredulously.

“You did that because you were _jealous_?”

“No! I did it because I felt it need to be done,” he paused and continued more quietly.  “But I also felt like I had nothing else to lose.”

Glancing to Fenris, he nodded at me and I walked forward to stand beside Anders.

“I didn’t leave you for Fenris, Anders,” I said.  “I saw where your path was leading you, and I knew I couldn’t follow.  Fenris was there for me afterwards, yes, but he wasn’t the reason I left.”  I put my hand gently on his shoulder and turned him so he faced me.

“You were the reason why I left, Anders.  Only you.”

“You loved me,” he whispered brokenly.

I shook my head.  “I think I could have loved you, if you hadn’t walked your path.  I know now that if we had made it, I would have hated you in the end.  No matter what Anders, it wouldn’t have worked between us, and it is all on you.”

Anders sighed and looked over at Fenris, standing in the gathering dark with Áedán.  “He’s a bloody arrogant, bigoted hypocrite, but he is a good man,” he looked away.  “I think better than I could have been.”

We stood there for a moment, my mind whirling with indecision.  Finally I asked the question I should have asked when I first saw him.

“What do you want me to do Anders?”

He shook his head.  “I’ve been asking myself that since you let me walk away, and I have no good answer.”  He looked at me.  “I know what I did was wrong, I killed a lot of people, hurt countless more.  By every right you should have killed me on the steps of the Chantry that day.  I was prepared to die for what I did then, and I am prepared to die now.  But I don’t want to.”

“I think you’d have to be five kinds of sadist if you wanted to die,” I said with a smile.  Anders chuckled weakly.

“Still the beautiful, charming rogue you were all those years ago eh Hawke?”

“You know me,” I replied dryly.

Anders looked at me.  I saw shadows in his eyes and I knew what he did was haunting him more than he would ever let me know.

“You have nightmares,” I stated bluntly.  Anders said nothing.  Quickly, before I could change my mind, I hugged him.  Surprised, it took him a minute before he hugged me back, and I broke away as quickly as I started.  I saw the question in his eyes and headed him off before he could voice it.

“For what we were, what we could have been, and everything we’ve been through together.”  His eyes cleared in understanding.  “But I can’t let you go on your merry way.  You’ve said to me twice now that you know what you did was wrong; you need to pay for what you did.  You betrayed me and used me; I want to punish you for that too.  And,” I hesitated for a moment, collecting my thoughts.

“And I think you’ve suffered enough.”  This time it was relief and gratitude that I saw in his face as he nodded his head.

“I understand Tanis,” He said, using my name for the first time.  “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.  And…thank you.”

I gave him a curt nod and walked back to Fenris, giving Anders a few more moments of life.  I felt calm, more at peace with myself and the world than I had for a long time.  I understood why Fenris made his offer, but I couldn’t let him do this.  He had seen and heard everything, and was readying his sword for the blow but a touch from my hand stopped him.

“Thank you for your offer love,” I said, “But this is something I need to do myself.”

“Are you sure?” he asked.  I nodded.

“It’s not about vengeance for me anymore.  It’s about justice for those people and mercy for him.  Or pity.” I muttered under my breathe.  “Still haven’t decided on that one yet.”

I could feel Fenris’ eyes on me as I walked back to Anders.  I saw him look beyond me to Fenris and incline his head to him.  Then he focused on me, and on the dagger in my hand.

“Will Justice interfere?” I asked him.

Justice was a spirit of the Fade that Anders had met on his travels as a Grey Warden with the Hero of Fereldan, who just so happens to be Queen now as well.  I met her once, a few years ago, just before everything went to hell in Kirkwall.  King Alistair had come for a visit and spoke with me, afterwards his wife, Queen Lurianna, paid me a visit.  They could smell the winds of change in Kirkwall, having been through something similar in Fereldan with the Blight that forced me from my home.  She spent the evening with myself and my companions, taking our measure to see if we were up to the task of defending the city again after the attempted Qunari invasion.

Queen Lurianna was a good woman, strong, proud, and practical.  We bonded in the short time we spent together, and she left us content that she was leaving the city in good hands.  Sometimes I worried that I failed her.

Apparently Anders and company got trapped in the Fade, and when they got out, Justice came with them and was trapped in turn in the body of a Grey Warden who had died nearby.  When the body had decayed beyond usefulness, Anders offered himself to play host to the spirit, thinking it would be better than having Justice die a true death.

Things…didn’t work out very well.  Their spirits melded until they were one being, but sometimes Justice made himself known in his new form, the form that Anders’ anger at the plight of mages had turned him into: a spirit of Vengeance.

Anders always did deny it, but I think it was largely Justice-turned-Vengeance that made him destroy the Chantry.

Anders shook his head at my question.  “I’ve gotten better at controlling him,” he said.  “Besides I think he agrees with this.”

Justice or Vengeance, I thought to myself.  I think both would be in accord with this.

“Take my things, use what you can and sell the rest.  I won’t need them anymore.”  I didn’t reply to that, I couldn’t.  I could only reassure him in his final moments.

“It’ll be quick, I promise.”

Anders turned from me, facing the last sliver of sun as it set beyond the horizon.  He had set his staff down beneath the oak tree.  I came up from behind him and wrapped my arm across his chest just under his collarbone.  As I slammed my dagger into his kidney and twisted, I heard him whisper his last words before I brought my dagger up again to slit his throat.

“I love you.”


	4. Moving On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke and Fenris deal with the aftermath of her decision

Once we had buried Anders and committed his soul to the Maker, it was too late to find somewhere to rest for the night so we stayed at his camp until morning.  Fenris was quiet, tending to the fire and our dinner while I sat by the break in the stone wall with Áedán, looking out into the night.

My mind was whirling.  I was at peace with myself dammit!  I did the right thing!  He had killed so many in his pursuit for equality for mages.  No one would fault me for killing him.

Would they?

Finally I couldn’t take the silence anymore.

“Sweet Andraste’s tits Fenris!” I exclaimed.  “Can’t you say something instead of just sitting there all quiet and understanding?”

Fenris looked up at me in surprise as I stalked over to him and stood there hands on my hips, glaring down at him.  Fenris dusted his hands off and slowly stood up to face me.

“What would you have me say?” he asked slowly.  “You just killed and buried a man who, either directly or indirectly through his actions caused the deaths of countless innocents.  A man who was once your friend, comrade in arms, and who used you to further his own agenda.  What can I say to that?” He shrugged his shoulders and opened his hands helplessly.

“If you’re looking for absolution or condemnation Tanis, you won’t find it here,” he continued.  “I think he deserved to die for what he was and what he did.  But you were the one who made the decision to take his life for your own reasons.”  He put his hands on my shoulders.

“I’ll not say you were wrong for what you did, for many including myself would think you did the right thing.  And I won’t say you were right either, because I know that an eye for an eye does not lead to peace.  Only you can say for yourself if what you did was right.  So long as you can live with what has happened here tonight, that’s all that matters.”

I let out a deep breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding as I leaned into him.  His arms tightened briefly around me before he let me go, crouching down again to tend the fire.  I crouched next to him and watched as he prepared our meal.

“Thank you Fenris,” I said at last.  “I thought I was okay with it, but then I just started having all these doubts, I just needed to know…” I paused.

“I think I just needed to know that you don’t think any less of me.”

Fenris shook his head at me.  “You’re getting soft Tani,” he said to me with a smile.  “If seeing you dancing drunk and half naked on the bar of the Hanged Man with Isabela doesn’t change my opinion of you, I don’t think anything will.”

“I never did that!” I gasped.

“That you remember,” he said dryly.

“You’re horrible,” I chuckled as I moved over to Anders’ bags.  Anders had told me to take and use or sell what I needed of his things.  I knew I wouldn’t be able to do that for a while, but I figured I could at least sort the stuff out while Fenris cooked our meal.

The laughter died on my lips as I reached for the first bag.  Anders always was a light traveler, aside from his staff there were only two bags.  One I knew from experience would most likely be supplies, the other clothing and what few personal effects he deemed worthwhile to carry around.  I opened the bag I reached for and was confronted with a pouch designed to carry vials of potions.  I opened it and saw lyrium and health potions, along with a few others I couldn’t identify.  I set the pouch aside.  The health potions were definitely useful, but we’d need to go somewhere to figure out if the so far unidentified ones were worth keeping or selling.

I rummaged through the rest of the bag and found more supplies.  Bread, cheese, a few sausages, some dried meat, a lot of bandages, and another pouch containing various herbs.  I repacked the bag as keep because most of the stuff would be useful and set to work on the next one.

Just as I thought; clothing and personal effects.  Robes, his grimoire, his memoirs, and an old cat toy I’m assuming he kept to remind himself of the cat he had as a Grey Warden, Sir Pounce-a-lot.  He loved that cat.  I remember he spent hours telling me about his antics until I swear I was growing my own whiskers.  But there was nothing interesting until I reached the bottom of the bag.

My fingers brushed paper wrapped around something round and hard.  I drew it out and saw a note wrapped around the Tevinter Chantry amulet I had found on our travels together and given to him as s gift.  My heart stopped a moment.  I had given him the amulet before I knew how radical his ideas were.  Before I left him.

I unwrapped the note from the amulet, and with shaking hands, began to read it.

_To my love, Tanis,_

_If you are reading this, I am dead.  And I hope I was able to see you one last time.  I am leaving you the amulet you gave me, as a remembrance of times when things between us were better, happier.  I hope I was able to tell you before I died how sorry I am for everything.  I don’t blame you for anything.  I never did.  The hurt got in the way and blinded me for a bit, but I never blamed you for leaving me.  I think a part of me knew our paths were too different; I just didn’t want to accept it._

_And as much as I wish we could have found happiness together, I hope you will find yours with Fenris._

_Take care of yourself my love._

_-A_

Tears pricked my eyes after I had finished reading the note.  I didn’t hear Fenris come up behind me until he put his hand on my shoulder.

“Final love note from Anders?” he asked.  I nodded and sighed as I wiped the tears from my eyes.  We stayed there as we were for a long moment before he finally asked a question I am sure had been plaguing him for ages.

“Do you ever regret…us?” he said softly.

I looked at him.  “You’re asking me if I regret picking the escaped elven slave over the radical abomination mage?” I asked dryly.

Fenris flushed with anger as he stood up.  I scrambled to my feet and caught his arm as he turned from me.

“Fenris don’t do this,” I said firmly.  “You heard what I told Anders.  We never had a shot.  I would have wound up hating him in the end.”  I gently placed my hand along his cheek.

“I will never regret anything when it comes to you.”

Fenris held my hand against his cheek as he nodded.  “I had to-”

“I know,” I interrupted.  “With everything these past few months while we’ve been tracking him, I know.  And I’m sorry for making you doubt me.”

Fenris let go of my hand and I slipped my arm around his waist.

“Now!” I said briskly, steering him towards the fire.  “What’s for dinner?”


	5. Back To Kirkwall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke and Fenris have a hard choice to make

I was awake long before Fenris the next morning.  I hadn’t been able to sleep much.  Everything with Anders from the night before was whirling in my mind, but that wasn’t the only thing.

Unbeknownst to him, I have spent the past few weeks agonizing over how I was going to tell him that we needed to go back.  Back to Kirkwall, back to where it all began.

I sat beside the remnants of the fire, watching him sleep.  It seemed to wipe all the anger off his face, and it was only while he was sleeping that I think I get to see what he would have looked like if he had lived a normal life.  But fate had other ideas.  Bitch.

I often wondered that.  What our lived would have been like if things had turned out differently, just not with any sense of despair or self pity, more of a detached curiosity.

But my inner musings for the morning were interrupted as Fenris stirred from sleep.  He sat up, rubbing his eyes and I eyed the lean profiles of the body I had come to know as well as my own.  Fenris was all muscle and strength, wrapped up in a tattooed body with a dark and broody past.

No wonder I fell for him.  Most women would.

Fenris noticed me awake and yawned.  “You’re up awfully early,” he noted.

I nodded.  “I’ve been thinking.”

He groaned and flopped down on the blankets.  “I thought we were going to put all this business with Anders behind us.”

“It’s not Anders, Fenris.  It’s Kirkwall.”

That got his attention.

“What about Kirkwall?” he asked warily.

I took a deep breath.  “We need to go back.”

Fenris shot up out of the blankets, ignoring his lack of attire.  A state I, of course, immensely enjoyed despite his agitation.

“Are you mad!” he exclaimed.  “You want to go back to the place we have studiously been avoiding for these last few years?  Back to the place where the war started?  A war we had a hand in?”  Fenris looked at me incredulously.

“I think killing Anders may have finally sent you stark raving mad.”

“No, I think it’s finally made me see what I’ve been trying to deny for weeks now,” I said softly.  That calmed him down, sort of.  I could tell he was still riled up, but he was willing to hear me out.

“Alright,” he sighed, pulling on some pants and sitting down next to me.  “Why do we have to go back to Kirkwall?”

“We need to talk to Varric,” I began.  “We need him to find us a safe place in or near the city for a year or two, and we need him to make sure no one figures out we’re there.”  Fenris eyed me warily.

“I few years?” he asked.

I nodded.  “Then we can move on again.”

Fenris shook his head at me.  “You’re not making sense Tanis.  Why don’t you start at the beginning and tell me why we need to hide out in that city?  For a few years?  There are plenty of places here in Fereldan that we can hole up in and no one will figure out who you are.  Why don’t we just pay a visit to Denerrim and speak to the queen?  You two are friends yes?  I’m sure she’d take you in.”

“You really think it would be a good idea for a queen to be seen harboring one of the most wanted women in Thedas?  Let alone the risk of waltzing into Fereldan’s capital city?  No.  We have to go back to Kirkwall,” I said with more confidence than I felt.

“But why Tanis?” he asked.

I swallowed quickly before I spoke again. “Because there is nowhere else I would feel safe enough to have our baby.”

I held my breath as all the color drained from Fenris’ face at my words.  He looked at me and down to my belly where unbeknownst to him our child had been growing for weeks now.

“Our..?” he started, unable to finish.  I nodded.

“I’ve suspected for a few weeks,” I said.  “I wasn’t sure at first, but I’m showing the signs now and can’t deny it.  I’m pregnant Fenris.”

Fenris looked away from me and stared at the ashes of our fire.

“Why…why didn’t you tell me?” he asked haltingly.

I laid my hand gently on his shoulder.  “I wasn’t sure before, and I knew you wouldn’t let me face him if you knew what I suspected.”

Fenris never looked at me, just nodded as he continued to stare into the fire.  “You’re right,” was all he said.

“Fenris?” I finally asked.  “Please talk to me love.”

He shrugged.  “I don’t know what to say,” he said, finally looking at me.  “You’re telling me I’m going to be a father, when I don’t even remember mine, let alone know if I had one.  It’s just…” he sighed and rubbed his hand over his face.

“It’s just a little hard to take in right now.  I don’t know what to think.”

I nodded at that.  I couldn’t really blame him.  Fenris had a family, his memory of them was stolen from him, and now I tell him he’s going to be a father.  I was just relieved he talked to me and didn’t run away.

“But why do we need to go back to Kirkwall?” he asked, bringing me back to the present.

“I trust Varric enough to find us a safe place, and keep us secret until the baby is born,” I explained.  “It would also be nice to see Aveline, Bethany, and Merrill again-”

“I thought you wanted to keep us secret,” Fenris interrupted dryly.  I smacked him lightly on the arm.

“They won’t betray us,” I said.  “And I need to ask Aveline and Varric a favor.  One you won’t like.”

Fenris looked at me, and when I saw the sadness on his face, I knew he knew.

“You’re going to leave the babe with them,” he said.  I nodded.

“Until we know that everyone has stopped looking for us, I can think of no safer place,” I picked up a twig off the ground in front of me and starting twirling it between my fingers.  This next part was going to be really, really hard.

“And Bethany’s there should we need her to teach them.”

Fenris stood up abruptly and walked away from me to the opening in the stone wall.  Áedán was there at the breach in the wall, watching us, and when Fenris came near he stood up with a small whine, his big brown doggy eyes filled with worry as he looked back and forth between us.  I stood up and quickly followed.

Needless to say, Fenris had a long, complicated, and highly unpleasant history with magic.  I could only imagine what the possibility of a mage child would do to him.

“Fenris you had to at least consider that was a possibility,” I said to his back as I reached him.  “I come from a family of mages, and you’ve had pure lyrium branded into your skin.  The Maker only knows what else that’s done to you.”

“You don’t need to remind me,” he growled at me.  He was staring out at the tree line, arms folded across his chest.

“You need some time,” I said flatly.  Story of our life.  Whenever anything emotional happened, he ‘needed some time’, and usually spent that time away from me.  A large part of me understood the reasoning behind it, but a small, selfish part of me called him a coward every time it happened.

With a sigh he finally turned to face me.

“I’m not running,” he said, guessing my thoughts.  “But what else do you expect Tanis?  In three breathes you tell me I’m going to be a father, that I need to abandon my child once it’s born, and that there’s a strong possibility it could be a mage.”  He took a deep breath before continuing.

“I…love you Tanis,” he said.  I hated how he still had trouble saying that, but loved the thrill that went through me each time he said it.

“I love you and I won’t abandon you.  But you can’t expect me to be okay with all this right now.”

I hesitantly stepped forward and wrapped my arms around his narrow waist.  His arms wrapped around me in turn as he cradled my head against his chest.

“I know,” I whispered into his warm, smooth chest.  “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he said as he patted my back.  “I told you years ago, that if there was a life for me to have, I would walk into it gladly by your side.  We may not always agree on the crazy things you come up with-”

“Hey!” I exclaimed, pulling back to look up at him with mock indignation on my face.  He smiled as his hand reached up to cup my cheek.

“But as you’ve told me time and time again, if we love each other, we can work through it.”  And he kissed me.

After a long while, we broke the kiss and Fenris led me back to the fire pit.

“Besides,” he said as he got dressed.  “It’s a long way to Kirkwall, and plenty of time for me to change your mind.”


End file.
